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dexedrine (10 milligrams) capsules made up for our use at the
hospital& I had noticed in sessions where he (Al) used the pills
(methedrine) that there was more openness, and that I, for one,
was able to "go along" with the person getting LSD much more
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easily. So we had enough pills to try them out with half a
capsule to start to see that there weren't any ill effects, and
two full capsules for two different days. (All covered by medical
Rx.)
 I couldn't believe what happened. We started out with a
schedule of two hours of really concentrated therapy (at which
time I did much more interpretation at a deep level than is common
in group therapy situations), then went down to the art and they
could paint or use pastels on wet paper or mold clay. There was
no talking at all -- and music part of the time. After lunch two
more hours of therapy, and then art again if they wanted (on the
days they had the pills we ran all morning in session (8:30 to 12)
and afternoons l:15 to 6 and had to make up the art the next day.
Truly, Humphrey, on the second day when one of the group started
into the psychotic belt, I was surprised, and then when the group
began painting series of pictures from their unconscious& which
showed their basic family identifications, the state of the
problem as far as the unconscious, the working out of problems in
a series of paintings, and the projection of the solution in the
future (all these are not necessarily connected -- nor separate) I
was overwhelmed. And then another member really went into the
schizophrenic level. We saw it begin (thank god for LSD so I knew
what was happening and could steer it), we helped him go down, and
then when he was there with the ego completely shattered and
feeling alone, abandoned, and insane, we all went and put our
hands on him and within a few minutes he had come up with great
rapidity into the light, and was a completely changed person due
to the reintegration following the shattering -- reintegration on
a new level. There was one further journey into the psychotic --
and these three trips demonstrated to me LSD mechanics in slow
motion -- that and what happens afterwards because several people
were having extra-terrestrial, if I may use the word, experiences
with the combinations of therapy, art, and drug.
 I was deeply in awe during the whole week... The days that
we took the pills the group oneness was palpable; otherwise,
without the support of all, some of them couldn't have gone where
they did and effected the work they managed. The great boon of
the week for my work was that it showed me in slow motion what it
is that projects people into the psychotic. You know, not
everyone has to go there. And it also demonstrated to me about
the importance of something I can only call commitment. This is
relative to your question of changing levels and what makes it
possible& 
 Briefly, what appears to project an individual into
 insanity is the cracking (for whatever reason) of his picture of
himself -- the disintegration of his ego, I suppose it might be
called. I have a certain idea of myself, and when that is
destroyed -- or when the cornerstone (the whole thing need not be
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shattered) is pulled down, then I am suddenly left adrift -- not
knowing who I am, where I am or what is reality. One of the most
touchy areas is that of basic identification: masculine vs.
feminine -- (and I have a new one I observed -- neuter). They are
the ones who are really in trouble because there has been so much
threat from both the masculine and the feminine in their early
learning situation that they have had to make themselves neuter
and then it becomes of prime necessity to protect the self from
the knowledge of this dastardly fact by acting out strongly in the
direction of the desired identification. Another area that is
explosive is one's basic goodness. And the area which can hit the
insanity button every time is the recognition that one is
unlovable. (I am so terrible no one -- not even God can love me).
Now it is interesting to observe that not everyone seems to have
to deal with the disintegration of the ego on the insane level.
This probably has something to do with biochemical levels, but
somehow I have a hunch it is more basically related to the
temperament and defensive system of the individual involved.
Those who must most strongly defend on the intellectual,
controlled, rational level (against the other parts of themselves
-- really against their own unconscious) seem to be the ones who
are most likely to hit the skids in this direction. In examining
myself, for I was an insanity belt girl, it seems to me that it
was in some way related to fear -- fear of unreality, or the
unconscious -- of not being, etc. I mean when it is definitely
experienced as insanity and not as symbolic hell or purgation.
This latter gem comes to everyone some time, it appears to me& 
 Now -- the commitment. All the members of the seminar are
extremely committed to the best possible way of life -- no matter
what the cost. That is, intellectually. Of course the
unconscious commitment may lie at any number of different levels;
rather, one may reserve one or a thousand things from the abyss
while thinking intellectually one is willing to dispense with all.
And it appeared from my observation of the group that individuals
are able to enter into their own unconsciousness to the extent to
which they are basically committed -- that is once they have
survived or been led through the insanity or symbolic purgation
belt& 
 You must help me out on this commitment business. That is
not a good word because it is probably too religious. There
should be something about willingness to pay the cost in order to
know the truth& I do know for sure now that dosage has to do a lot
with the level available, up to a certain point: 25 gamma for
personal unconscious, and sometimes 50 gamma, too; 75 gamma up to
the impersonal and symbolic up to the cosmic depending on the
state of the individual at the moment.
 And here I must digress a moment. I almost wrote you
another letter before the seminar to tell you that the levels were
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interpenetrating. And then you talked about that in your letter
to me... I discovered that before the really traumatic repressed
memory (personal unconscious) could be released and abreacted, the
subject had to live through some symbolic purgation. One of the
two also had to go through the insanity business& 
 And here I come to the question of guilt. I certainly had a
lesson about my much too easy statement about perhaps hell being
personal guilt or whatever it was I said in one of my last
letters. This is true -- yes, in some limited form in the
personal unconscious. But how right you are and how
extraordinarily insightful (or is it personal experience, too!)
for you to note that each level has its own symbolic hell or
purgation. I was taught this lesson -- and well, just about ten
days ago.
 For you see, Humphrey, when I got home from the seminar I
took 75 gamma of LSD. (session with Tom Powers, which is
discussed)& I felt that I had understood the third of the
borderline schizophrenics I told you about and why it was that
none of us could tell what was operating. I felt, Humphrey -- and
you may well think that I misread my experience and I may well
have -- I felt as though I were experiencing purgation for events
and circumstances which were not "mine" -- that is related to this
present here and now of mine& I did feel as though I were accepting
things for others or that I was accepting the responsibility or
the results or the penalties for actions of my own in another
lifetime& 
 And oh, Humphrey, of course you are right. The only hell is
the absence of the cosmic; the clearer one sees the sharper the [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]