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appreciated it, but I bowed and smiled
again.
She inclined her head, with an even broader smile, and continued down the
steps to her steamer.
My postbox contained three circulars, the NBEI bill, and a reminder
that I needed a dental
examination. The way things were going I needed a lot more than my teeth
examined. I scooped up the
envelopes and cards and walked slowly back to the Stanley.
I drove around the square on the way back and waved to Constable Gerhardt, who
smiled and
returned the wave, looking as clueless as ever.
Back home, I put the steamer in the barn, and even remembered to plug in
the heater, since I would
be heading back out to watch Llysette s directorial efforts that
evening.
By midafternoon, with breaks for lunch and this and that developing exams
was always a lengthy
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and painful process I ran off the last exam on the printer, the
Environmental Politics 2B exam, and took
a deep breath. I flipped off the difference engine and reread each of them
a last time. I d proof them once
more in a couple of days, but the more times you read them, the more likely
you are to catch stupid
mistakes. Professors make stupid mistakes. That I was continuing to
learn.
 Do you know, I would quietly slip from the loud circle?
I looked up at the ghost floating by my elbow.  I didn t know you were
interested in environmental
politics or tests.
 I saw you pale and fearing. That was in dream, and your soul rang.
Carolynne s words were soft,
faint.
 I m sorry. You told me, but ... I m sorry. You deserve better.
Was she paler than usual? I walked behind the couch and pressed the boss on
the mirror. Had the
watch tampered with the lodestone when they had searched the house? I swung
out the mirror, but the
lodestone appeared unchanged.
 Only a brief time, and I will be free.
 Free? I shook my head.  I m not about to stop the lodestone. That would
be murder of sorts, and
you no one deserves that. You ve suffered enough. I eased the mirror
back into position.
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Page No 159
 How we push away the person who loves us! No grief will soften us cold
ones. What we love is
taken away. For a moment she almost looked real in the high-necked
recital dress, and I thought I could
see colors. First she seemed pale, then more real. Was I losing it? How
much was in my mind?
I swallowed hard.  Is it always that way? Do all ghosts feel as you do? I
never thought about it, but
you could as well ask if all people feel as I do. Thoughtless of me.
 I live by day, full of faith.
Faith, for a ghost?  And by night? I asked as I turned on the hall light
and walked toward the
kitchen, since I needed something to eat before I got dressed for the
evening.
 And every night I die in holy fire.
I pulled out the butcher s knife and started to slice some ham off the
joint to go with the cheddar.
Carolynne drifted toward the door, then slipped out of sight. I looked at
the knife. I couldn t very well
avoid knives, but I could understand her revulsion at the blade.
After I cleaned up the dishes and retrieved a bottle of wine from the
cellar for later, I went up to the
bedroom to dress. First I tried the light gray suit, but that didn t
seem quite right. So I settled on the dark
gray pinstripe, the one I d worn the day I d resigned as Minister of
Environment. The suit seemed looser.
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Had I lost weight, or was I just in better shape?
 How I loved you even as a child, offered Carolynne, in words that felt
more sung than spoken as
she appeared in the doorway.
 You are a shameless ghost.
 Ways will I elect that seldom any tread.
 Sorry.
 Never will love be satisfied. The heart will become more thirsty and
hungry.
 Are you talking about me, or you?
 Will she change what she enjoyed?
 She? Llysette? Are you talking about Llysette?
 Your splendor is dying on yonder hill. She winked out, probably going
back to her lodestone for a
recharge, or meal, or whatever.
I shivered at the warning, for it was clearly a warning. Why was I doing
this? Was it a last attempt to
do what was right? Was that the reason I d kept persisting with the ghost
caricature of justice and
mercy? After everything, could I do less than try to set things right?
My stomach tightened more, and my heart raced. Was I having a heart
attack? No ... just an anxiety
attack. I took a deep breath.
Before I left the house, I quickly pulled one of the disassociators out
of the closet and tucked it in the
foot well of the difference engine stand, in case I needed it for
demonstration purposes later.
When I got to the university, I parked the Stanley at the end of the row
that held Llysette s Reo, and
took just about the last space in the faculty car park, although a number
of the cars did not have faculty
tags. After locking the steamer, I walked down and across to the main
entrance. Under the heavy
overcoat I was actually too warm, and I wiped my forehead before I walked
up the stone steps into the
building, unbuttoning the overcoat as I did. I did keep an eye out,
just in case I ran into one of
vanBecton s  legacies. Then again, if they were good, I probably
wouldn t see them until it was far too
late. And, who knew, I wondered if that might have been better. I tried to
keep upbeat and shook my
head, pushing away my fears.
I was earlier than usual, maybe twenty-five minutes before the curtain;
except, even in Dutch New [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]